My Truth to Food and Body Freedom (Part 1)
As you see pictures on my Social Media feeds and you hear me teach on Holistic Mind-Body Wellness, I want you to remember the place that I come from. You know- It's like when you grow up and you move onto bigger things, your friends and family stand behind you waving goodbye and proclaiming;
"Don't forget where you've come from- you hear."
That's me. I don't want to forget where I have come from on this journey to FOOD FREEDOM. In fact as hard as I try, I can't. And Scripture reminds me that I am called to NOT forget. Because in remembering- my heart is filled with deep compassion and concern for the women that are still trapped.
"For we too were once foolish, disobedient, deceived, enslaved by various passions and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and detesting one another." (Titus 3:3)
In order to find real and lasting freedom in any area of life, we must first acknowledge that we are NOT free.
I was a young woman ensnared by the definition of society, of the world. I have a victorious weight-loss story (we will journey there next week), but I also have a devastating eating disorder history. See- addiction takes on many sly and sneaky forms. What I have learned over my years of studying and coaching with women is there is always an underlying root. You may not like what I am about to say- that root is addiction.
When I was 17 years old and starving my body in order to become smaller, I had an addiction. My addiction was CONTROL. I could control what went in my mouth and I went to exuberant extremes in-order to control- by withholding food from myself. When that became to much, I found myself binge eating everything insight, but the desire for control still wrapped it's tight grip around me. Instead of withholding I would binge and purge.
I was filled with hate, self-shame, grief, and fear. I would never be enough, I was not pretty enough, popular enough, or thin enough. In these early years I did not know Jesus. I had no guidance from the Holy Spirit. My heart was searching for God in these formative years. I did find myself crying out to Him, for help, because deep down inside the little girl I was- knew that this was not the way it should be.
Do you know how I knew this, even then? People hide what they are ashamed of. They hide addictions. Very rarely do they go parading them through the streets with banners saying- "look and me. I am addicted to this vice." I never once invited my girlfriends into the bathroom for a convo so that I could throw up what I had just eaten. I never once had a burning desire to share this part of my life with my sisters, or better yet- teach them this new weight-loss method I had discovered.
No... I was ashamed, and I hid from everyone my destructive behaviors. Until one day in the Doctors office, the very sweet and concerned man that was my Doc - asked my mom to step outside the room. See- things had gotten so bad, I was bleeding from places I would rather not say. And, my concaved stomach was enough to spark alarm to anyone. Because of this meeting, my secret became public knowledge all to quickly.
Hear me ladies. I was NOT FREE. I was in bondage to the lie that skinnier would make me happier, that skinnier was healthier and accepted, no matter the COST!
This landed me in multiple counselors offices, hospital visits and stays, plus missing a good amount of my Senior year.
I thought I was better after awhile. I stopped binging and purging and I began to eat. But this is when I started getting books from the library on all sorts of diets. I was going to learn how to maintain my weight... Funny thing, was it was all masked under the name of healthy. Looking back- it was still about skinny and control.
Fast forward a few years. I am now married to my high-school sweetheart, we are living in SoCal and I am doing pretty good. During this time I also came to know Jesus as my Savior and I was born again. However my - pretty good was a new secret. I was purging again, but here's how I justified it.
"Only if I ate to much and felt stuffed, I would throw up."
Still a huge issue and still bulimia! No matter how you cut the pie this is an eating disorder. It had taken a different shape now. From my earliest years I can always remember needing to control my food in some form or fashion to loose weight.
after 10 months of marriage I found out that I was expecting our first child. Yay! I was thrilled. I knew that what I was doing would harm her. So I would eat carrots first and then binge. I would purge until it turned orange- because in my 20 year old mind, this precious baby would still be getting the nutrients she needed.
Yes- I know this is a very vulnerable space for me. But don't miss what I am getting to!
I almost lost my oldest daughter. I thank God continually that He sparred her life. Through my pregnancy with her, I leaked amniotic fluid, post-par-tum hemorrhaged and had to have a blood transfusion. It was through these event and even more- (maybe I should write a book), that I quit cold turkey, I know longer would binge and purge.
From here, My addiction took on a new life form though. One that would take so many years away from me. One that would bring a deeper shame and self-hate. A place of defiance against God and His word.
I will share part 2 of my journey with you next week.
Grace + Peace,
Brittany